Sweet Nothing
by love in blackandwhite
Summary: Ayame muses about her past...and her future...a LOT of angst in the beggining...


_Sweet Nothing…_

There are so many words that could describe me then, naive, gullible, lovesick…It was a very long time ago, when I still craved your attention, affection. I don't even know why, it was mainly because I just wasn't living in reality. I was in a fairytale, one that I couldn't find my way out of, and quite frankly, didn't want to. I loved the feeling of blissful ignorance I got every time you acknowledged me, even when it was just 'what is it, woman'. I still don't understand you, why you did that to me, maybe I'm not supposed to understand, maybe…maybe I should have just forgotten about you, I wish I could say that I have. I haven't.

**Why don't you let me be  
Leave me alone  
You start a fire inside that I could never control  
You wanna see a reaction**

I still hate you. You haunt my dreams, and you control my thoughts. I try to push you away and you just keep popping back up. I try to avoid you, but your always there, just there. There is no peace for me because of you. Then you were gone for so long that I finally forgot about you, I even started to live my own life, free of trying to impress you with all my accomplishments. Trying to gain your respect, and affection. Yes I still remembered but I didn't care any more. And then…

Why did you do that to me, but then it makes me wonder, didn't I do it to myself. That's when you came back, right when I finally had my life back in order.

**Come and cut me down  
You've gone as far as I'll go  
Now you're crossing the line  
And I am letting you know  
Well here's your reaction**

That's when you told my grandfather you wanted to declare peace between our tribes, for good. So now I have to become your mate. A few years ago I would have been ecstatic with excitement instead of somber and cold. I feel so violated, sure grandfather called me in to ask for my consent, but I knew that I couldn't say no, I had to do it, for my tribe. You didn't seem to be fazed by the fact you had to mate with me. I haven't seen you since that night. Even now as I stand here waiting for these women to finish getting me ready for the blessing ceremony tonight. All I can think of is how much I hate this, how much I want to run away. Tears form behind my eyes but I will not cry, there will be no more tears from me because of you.

**Stand up  
I have had enough  
Walk away before I finish what you started  
Face to face I will put you in your place  
End this game before I finish what you started  
Face to face everything will change**

They left a while ago and I am still standing here, waiting to be summoned in to the main room. Your already in there. You get to talk to everyone before the blessing. I have to stay in here, alone. You are such a coward, you can't even look at me. You have never said my name like you used to say hers. I guess that's how it will always be. Maybe we can somehow cheat our way out of going through with this. You are so irritating, yet once again I'm letting you control my life, I'm letting you pull the strings. I feel so violated.

**You planted the seed  
How my anger has grown  
Got a feeling inside that I can't seem to control  
You wanna see a reaction**

"Ayame?"

Crap he's here, that rat bastard. He's saying my name like…he said hers. Why?

"Yes, I suppose we need his blessing now right?"

"Yes…"

"I'm coming"

I better paste a happy smile on my face, no one should be able to tell I'm miserable if I play my cards right. Here I go. His hand is cold and clammy, like he's been in cold water. Everyone is staring at us, some of them are crying, some are smiling and some are glaring at me, it's a whole group of girls. They can have him, I wonder what would happen if I threw him at them, hmmm, tempting. We're there, He's saying the blessing, and Koga is actually glancing everywhere but at me, a shaky smile on his face. Finally he's done, great now we have to finish the ceremony. So we head back to my part of the cave. I wonder, would he feel better if he imagined that I was that girl he is so infatuated with, but he couldn't, we are so different.

**Come on and cut me down  
You've gone as far as I'll go  
Now you're crossing the line and I am letting you know  
Well here's your reaction**

I don't want to wake up, but I have to, I just want to die, I feel so defiled. I can't stand him, but I let him steal all my purity, so now he can go stare off a cliff and think about her. He's gone, it's early and he's gone, but he's not hunting, all the men are here, but him. I feel like shit, my whole body hurts for some reason, maybe he poisoned me. There it is, my mark, right there on my neck, its just there. As I run my hand over it I know I've thrown my life away.

**Stand up  
I have had enough  
Walk away before I finish what you started  
Face to face I will put you in your place  
End this game before I finish what you started  
Face to face everything will change**

I'm pregnant. I can tell. I can already sense the life growing within me, that's why he's gone, he knows I'm pregnant. It's a little girl, I wonder what I should call her. She is our only common bond. I'll grow to love him, that's what grandfather says. If he only knew… He's back, a smile on his face, he can finally look at me. I feel like punching him, for what he did to me, to his unborn daughter.

Insult  
After insult

He holds out his hand to help me up. I take it, I'm under his control, again. He holds my hand, I'm walking next to him stony-faced. Everyone is staring at us. We have to see grandfather, to finish the ceremony. We enter his chambers, and he is smiling.

"How are you holding up, Lady Ayame?"

I hate that title, a sick reminder of what I have become.

"I am with child, a female I believe."

"What wonderful news, and your mark?"

I pull down my cloak to reveal my mark. He seems satisfied.

"Very good, you are both free to do whatever you see fit."

I just want out I sneak away after we get back to my part of the cave. I can't believe I'm with child, but I know that I need cleaning, I need to stay fresh so I don't contaminate my unborn child

**Stand up  
I have had enough  
Walk away before I finish what you started  
Face to face I will put you in your place  
End this game before I finish what you started  
Face to face everything will change**

I died to a hymn called faith and misery because of you. I let you kill me, my bubbly and exuberant personality. This is the dawning of the rest of my life.  
I can feel her she is happy. At least one of us is. I can't help but love her, she's my baby. I'm sitting here in the water, thinking about him, why? I just want someone who actually loves me, wants to be with me, not someone who just wants peace between our tribes. I guess this my life. I guess I should head back, I need to eat something I'm eating for two now after all.

**Walk away  
Everything will change  
End this game**

I'm eating and he's sitting there, smiling at me, it's not forced or anything, he really seems happy to see me, like I did something wonderful, but I'm just here, eating my food. He's just sitting there. Maybe he really does want to be with me. Maybe I'll give him a chance. Maybe. I smile at him, the first one he's seen from me.

"Ayame?"

"hmn?"

"I love you"

I stare at him, did he just…what the hell. Is he O.K.?

"What?"

"It took a long time, and quite a few shoves from reality, but I discovered that somewhere in my heart I meant what I said when I said I would be your mate, you were everything that my heart needed but I knew you hated me, after everything I said. I thought I loved Kagome, but what I had was not love, it was infatuation, I wanted her for material reasons, even if she had loved me we couldn't have been together, because…I love you"

Well this is it now, this is all I can take, this has to be how a heart breaks. He made me stay wide awake, for years and somehow, I did that to him. Me…maybe, maybe he isn't worthless. Does he really mean it.

"Do you mean it?"

He's smiling again.

"Yes"

For the first time in years, I cry for him, and I know that my daughter will have a good life. My little girl.

Siren66


End file.
